Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
So, can we agree on 4 or
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Ha.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk