me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
this is literally a CIA plant
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*