made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
You Might Also Like
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I can’t deal with men any longer
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
LMAO.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?