Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
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I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
starting a garage orchestra
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
See..?
.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
getting corrected
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.