Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
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Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet