U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.