Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
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agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
my nickname in college
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!