You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
selena gomez
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
when someone compliments me
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.