The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.