The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
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All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
How do you milk an almond?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.