DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
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she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.