Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?