I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
my mind
You just read my mind
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.