My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
A small tragedy.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.