I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Happy Caturday!
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year