Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
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– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?