Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
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My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]