NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
You Might Also Like
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
The cake is mightier than the sword.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
*has no idea what a book even is*
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”