Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I identify as an antique shop.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.