You Might Also Like
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Self-cleaning conscience
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?