I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
You Might Also Like
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER