I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
You Might Also Like
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Meowchelangelo
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.