People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
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“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella