Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Friends that check up on you >
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.