someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Pringles
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.