“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich