Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”