*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
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Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My diet starts in January
of 2027
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
synchronized noseblowing
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.