In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it