(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
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person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive