Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
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I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”