The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
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What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
brian had himself a morning…
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.