*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
You Might Also Like
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.