what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
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I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads