My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
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(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.