rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video