*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great