Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that