Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Harsh but fair
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.