It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
🥶🥶🐶🐶
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.