Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.