ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…