i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
You Might Also Like
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
SPLOOT
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral