Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I don’t know what to do
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.