Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me irl
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.