Still cracks me up
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Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore