Somebody needs to get my shit together.
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Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
yes… yes…
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?