“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.