“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
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“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.