Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
According to math, I’m broke
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.